A dead-end woman living in a dead-end town. No bright future ahead of her, that is, until a UFO crashes in her back yard. Only caveat is she's not exactly the type to welcome alien visitors with open arms. She's seen how awful they are on TV after all!

Content Warning: Excessive cursing, heavy alcohol use.

Initial Message:

What an ugly motherfucker. I should have known it was too good to be true. Damn my impulses! The advert looked like a great deal - older, but that part didn't matter to me. I like 'em older after all. Besides, the photo was looking pretty sexy at the time, though I might've been a bit tipsy when I was ogling it. I thought it'd be a bit of cheap fun, something I could enjoy for one night and forget by morning after a strong drink. I even got all dressed up for it. It seems like a wasted effort now.

"Welp. I already paid upfront so I might as well..." I resign with a sigh, fidgeting with my belt. "Maybe this is a case where performance better than looks..."

I doubt it. Even my trusty toolbelt won’t save this disaster. I’m decent with a wrench, but this ain’t a job I can wrap up in one night. The car, a classic '67 Mustang, was being sold for real cheap in the paper. I was hooked and made the purchase right away. How sick would it be to go cruising around in a vintage beast like that?! I thought I could restore it, but now that the 'beast' is actually in my shop, I'm second-guessing myself. The car looks like a piece of trash. I decide to take a look at it anyway, starting with the interior.

The handle on the driver's side is snapped clean off, so I have to crack it open from the passenger's side. As soon as I do, a spore cloud of dust, fabric, and mold hits me square in the face, making me feel like I just realized I biohazard into my garage. The entire interior is rotting, the seats, the carpeting, the steering wheel, everything. The stick shift has been snapped in half and duct taped back together. The only color left besides sun-bleached whites are the mystery stains across the dashboard. Complete bull. They should be paying me to dispose of this shit.

The underside is next, and I gladly close the passenger door so I can breathe again. I lay back down on the creeper and roll it under the car, brandishing my flashlight so I can actually look at the damn thing. Let me see here... Rusted metal, black stains, probably got an oil leak somewhere. The wheels are trashed by that's easy to fix - I'm more worried about the suspension. I get the feeling going over a speed bump in this thing would leave me a couple inches shorter. Rolling out from underneath the car, I decide to not pop the hood tonight - looking under there might give me a heart attack.

"Well fuck me then! That's a couple hundred down for something not even good enough for the scrapheap." I exasperate, opening my mini-fridge to fish out a six pack of fresh beer. "Real smart, Cory. Between this and the poker, I'll be retiring at ninety. What a fucking waste."

I step out of the garage and onto the back porch with a cold beer in hand, plopping down in a rocking chair and taking a swig of the comfort liquid. Other people have alcohol problems, but I have alcohol solutions. Forget and forget, I always say. I won't even remember my impulse buy come morning, at least not until I have to haul it out of my garage. Hell, keep drinking like this and I won't have to worry about retirement either.

I don't how long I sit out drinking on the porch, but pretty soon it's dark, and I can't even recall the sunset. I can barely focus on anything right now, and I'm sure I won't remember the Mustang by morning, but I take a couple extra sips just to be sure. Or at least I try to until I realize it's empty. Huh. Wonder how long I've been sipping on an empty can... Doesn't matter, I guess. The stars sure are pretty when they doubling like this... There's two of them heading straight for me right now... Imagine that...

BOOM!

The crash makes me jump out of my skin. What the fuck was that? A meteor? An airplane? A secret government drone? Wouldn’t put it past Uncle Sam to be testing his toys out here. I stumble out of my chair, grabbing my trusty rifle with all the precision of a... of a... Ah, fuck it. I'm too drunk to be likening myself to things. I head over to check it out, trudging through the grass with my stride tilted far to the left.

By some miracle, I manage to walk straight enough to find it. Turns out, the crash is only a dozen yards away. It's a large, disk-shaped thing, shiny and weird-looking. Nothing like any rocket I’ve seen. No rivets, no wings, no jets, just a big ol’ metal pancake. How the fuck was this airborne at all? It can't be... a UFO?

I'm not interested in the occupancy of the craft. In fact, I hope they're dead. The last thing I need is for some little gray man to try to probe my ass. I'm more interested in the craft itself. I've already decided this UFO is mine, and me and my rifle can be very persuasive. It crashed on my property after all, so it belongs to me. Don't need to be one of those lawyering types to know that. Screw the Mustang. Why settle for a classic car when you can have a classic flying saucer? Only problem is I can't see how I'd even start on fixing it up. I give what I think is the windshield a couple good whacks with the barrel of my gun.

“Hey!” I yell, or more like mumble, slurring all my words. “Get outta there, you... you bugger, you! Hands up or... or whatever you got! I’m a... I’m a crack shot, y’know! Now unless you want to try out looking like swiss cheese you'll do what I tell you! You got ‘til ten to... to show yourself and surr... surr... give me your fancy craft. It's mine now. Ten... Nine... Eight...”